LakeCumberlandBoaters.com

This might have been posted before, but worth another read.

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place....
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
ITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed

Two things there Spare:
First, most of those are made up or significantly changed (not that stupid things are NOT said in Court, because they are), and
Second, actually there has been a significant decline in state legislatures (not sure about Congress) in the number of lawyers serving in them. That does and has led to some pretty asinine things being proposed and passed. Not that lawyers are incapable of stupid things - they are definitely.

But when you think about the time it takes to run for a legislative seat, the time it takes to participate in "citizens legislatures" and the pressures of 'real jobs' in America, then I suspect that is why you get fewer attorneys in the legislatures, and why what you have left is either independently wealthy individuals (very few of those) or those who can't hold a real job (bingo!)

lol, did that strike a nerve Jabez? Where is MPII? Its a wonder he doesn't register here to give you heck on that one... LOL

Well it is under "jokes and hooey fooey" I just put stuff up for entertainment. Don't really care if it's fact or not except in the politics section.

You should all beware, for I am here, now and forever (or however long E-Hillman allows me to be) to defend the honor of all those that serve the courts and....oh never mind.

Anyway, I really should keep a record of some of the really really really really stupid questions lawyers ask in Court. Actually, I would be lying if I claimed I never asked a stupid question. A good friend of mine that I went to school with was trying a criminal case and during his cross examination of the prosecutor's witness (the victim) he actually asked, "well, if you were being attached why didn't you yell out?" This was a attempted murder by strangulation. Think about her answer...........

There is a reason why some attorneys do not actually step foot in a Courtroom.

I think I was on here a while ago, E, does the forum automatically cancel your ID if it isn't used for a certain amount of time?

I will be watching, so be ware........

E_HILLMAN wrote:lol, did that strike a nerve Jabez? Where is MPII? Its a wonder he doesn't register here to give you heck on that one... LOL

You should all beware, for I am here, now and forever (or however long E-Hillman allows me to be) to defend the honor of all those that serve the courts and....oh never mind.

Anyway, I really should keep a record of some of the really really really really stupid questions lawyers ask in Court. Actually, I would be lying if I claimed I never asked a stupid question. A good friend of mine that I went to school with was trying a criminal case and during his cross examination of the prosecutor's witness (the victim) he actually asked, "well, if you were being attached why didn't you yell out?" This was a attempted murder by strangulation. Think about her answer...........

I think I was on here a while ago, E, does the forum automatically cancel your ID if it isn't used for a certain amount of time?

I will be watching...............

you can say that again. lol

E_HILLMAN wrote:you can say that again. lol

Yea, being new, I didn't realize that it takes a while before posts go directly to the forum....I submitted it twice. I felt like Jimmy Two Times from GoodFellas "I'm gonna go get the papers, get the papers."

MPII wrote:
I think I was on here a while ago, E, does the forum automatically cancel your ID if it isn't used for a certain amount of time?

I will be watching...............

Nope, but if you joined at the one time a few years ago when the forum had a major crash your ID could have been lost.

E_HILLMAN wrote:you can say that again. lol

He already said it twice, how many times do you want it posted?

..said the king of posting the same stuff 2, 3, maybe even four times.

E_HILLMAN wrote:..said the king of posting the same stuff 2, 3, maybe even four times.

LOL!

Sorry Spare, didn't realize initially that it was under "Jokes". Then, when I did, I thought: "well that is a lousy worthless joke".

And yes, E, that struck a nerve: I had just returned from a 'vacation' with the inlaws in upstate NY and I thought I was back there with those liberal, Subaru driving, high tax payin', non-common sense, complaining, motha ----- again! :-D
Drag my boat 1300 miles roundtrip and listen to NONSENSE all week only to return and have a flashback! (no doubt post traumatic stress syndrome)
THEN, I realize he was repeating a joke, and I realize that I am once again the dumbarse!!
That's it! I'm goin' to the lake, finding a cove, and get back to a Hank Jr. country (conservative) state of mind dangit!

I might join ya! been a week from hell here also.

lol, he mistook spare for a liberal.. LMAO

E_HILLMAN wrote:lol, he mistook spare for a liberal.. LMAO

now that right there is funny!! Maybe he's not been paying too much attention to Spares comments in the politics thread

I have hit upon what I think may be the ultimate Conservative litmus test. I have asked this among friends for years and the responses always tell me a little bit about "perspective." Here it is: you only have TWO choices, you must pick one, and no hedging. Your option is only one or the other.
Option 1 - your child grows up to HATE you (for whatever reason - irrelevant for purposes of the question) and they don't speak to you or let you see the grandkids, but by all accounts they are a GREAT spouse, friend, worker or entrepreneur, parent, citizens, well respected in all that they do, tremendously successful in all their endeavors (but you) and otherwise lead a happy and great life.
Option 2: you and your child are BEST friends, but they struggle a bit, in and out of jobs, maybe a divorce or 2, have to move back with you ever so often, misd criminal offense here or there, and their kids are a bit messed up too. But they LOVE you and you're best friends.
Which do you choose?
(btw E, this question occurred to me when I had my first child)

#2, I love my family and all the kids, I think that they all love me. At least that is what they say and show.

JabezBoy wrote: Option 2: you and your child are BEST friends, but they struggle a bit, in and out of jobs, maybe a divorce or 2, have to move back with you ever so often, misd criminal offense here or there, and their kids are a bit messed up too. But they LOVE you and you're best friends.
Which do you choose?
(btw E, this question occurred to me when I had my first child)

I was put on this earth to be a mother, and I am positive they would go to the ends of the earth for me and vice versa. Don't know where you got this from, but it sure paints my picture

I'm sure you and E thought you knew what being a parent was going to be like... did your ideals even come close to what it truly means and how it feels?

#1

Good question Katie - no where close. I have been in some rough - may-not-live type - situations. BUT, I have never been so scared as when my children (4 now) were born. The responsibility I feel to make sure not only that they are safe, loved, and fed, but the responsibility that I feel to make sure they understand right from wrong, doing things "the right way", that they grow up to be good decent people is just frightening to me.

To add some insight, I have sit in a juvenile court waiting room before - many times (for employment, not for my children, yet). I highly recc it to parents. Just sit there and listen. Don't look at them, don't react, just listen. Understand that their children (in big cities at least) are there for drugs, vandalism, murders (sometimes), rapes, robberies, etc. There is a very consistent theme in the comments of most of the parents sitting in those rooms. Whether you go there tomorrow, next month, or next year, the theme of the parents' comments are nearly always the same. That told me all I needed to know about how I wanted to parent.

One more thing - no, it is not what I thought. Frankly, I don't think I am very good at it. I notice something every day that I could do better, and I try to do it better the next time with my child. That's what makes it frightening - what if something I did or didn't do creates the next [insert pyscho name here].? Ugh! - nauseates me with fear.

I enjoy the love, laughter, and play, and often just watching them, but there is just so much more to it.

btw Spare - sorry for the hijack! ;-)

JabezBoy wrote: That's it! I'm goin' to the lake, finding a cove, and get back to a Hank Jr. country (conservative) state of mind dangit!

LOL, Speaking of Hank!
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ ... jr/1361119

True story...Russell Co girl had Clinton Co guy charged with rape. "When did this rape occur ma'am?" "All summer long" she said.

At first I thought this was going to be about lc.c.....oh, never mind!

I read through this thread and didn't see that I ever posted this, but, I watched a jury trial once where the jury asked the following question

"Is the guy in the suit sitting next to the Defendant an attorney?" Imagine this guy being your attorney!!!

I'm with Jabez boy on this one, my oldest (11) is of the mindset right now that I am the most backward, out of touch, unreasonable, parent alive. Everyone else get to do ___________ why can't I? He gets all A's in school and has been student of the month on several occasions, but thinks he lives with the two meanest parents on earth, I'm not sure when he will begin to realize that we have created a great citizen, instead of a social delight, but it will come to him sooner or later. Our little one (2) is just beginning to realize that life is not all about the party, Dad will be the meanie if she doesn't put her toys away, and saying I want my Mommy doesn't aways bring the relief she was searching for. I am pretty sure that I haven't done anything in life to deserve the two wonderful kids that I have, so I'm not going to shortchange them by shirking on my responsability to create good citizens.

Sorry for the Hi-jack, back to your regularly scheduled program.