3 jokes to get ya started today.

[$parechange]

> A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his

> favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young

> blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back

> to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom

> where he rattled her senseless.

>

> After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

> She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

> Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time

> she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

> The



sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

> Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him

> and softly says, 'No.'

> Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,

> Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,

> he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing

> and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back,

> gasping.

> Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and

> asked again, 'You finish?'


Ø

> Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

> 'No, I Norwegian'.

> --






A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after

midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness.



The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch

her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.



Quietly arriving



home, the husband and cab driver tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights,

yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.



The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.



HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.



HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.



HE paid for your St. Louis Rams season tickets.



HE paid for our house at the lake.



HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'



Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He

looks over at the cab driver and says, 'What



would you do?



The cab driver replies, 'I'd cover his a$$ with that blanket before he catches cold.'






This is a tribute to the bagpipes.





This is a beautiful story about a bagpiper who was late for a funeral..











As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there .



As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.







I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.



I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.



As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going



Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.



As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Good grief, I’ve never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!

[E_]

I no finnish